Proverbs 3:5-6: ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.’
1 Peter 5:7: ‘casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.’
Deuteronomy 31:6 : ‘Be strong and of good courage… He will not leave you nor forsake you.’
Lately life has been insane. So insane that I couldn’t get myself to write anything.. I wasn’t even quite sure where my mind was at. In the past while, I’ve had a bit more clarity.
Growing up, through my teenage years, in my depressed years, I had so many walls. No one knew the real me.. my real feelings, fears, things that made me happy.. nothing, I let no one in. Not trusting anyone.
I thought I had changed a lot since then. I’m very open with my feelings, (probably to much), I trust people, and wear my heart on my sleeve.. (I still don’t know if thats a good thing or not..) But I also thought that I had dealt with all of my walls… apparently not.
As of lately, I’ve been building walls everywhere around me.
Knowing I have to leave soon, is making me build walls towards people. I’m afraid to get to close or attached to them, knowing that it’ll just suck more having to leave then, also it’s scary knowing that they’ll likely just forget about me when I leave. BUT.. these walls are retractable.. sometimes I put them up, sometimes I bring them down. It depends on the person and how I’m feeling in that moment. I need to work on that though, and enjoy the moments I do have with these people.
Then there’s another wall… a wall towards God.. this one is NOT retractable. It is a very solid cement wall. It needs to be knocked down. I’ve been made to realize I’m becoming bitter towards God. It’s stupid. I haven’t felt any emotion in church or when fellowshipping, or worshipping.. not even music which has always been a HUGE thing. I feel nothing.. nothing.. if you know me, you know that’s not who I am. I feel everything. I usually got emotional almost every church service, or while watching a sermon online. I wanted to go to church, I wanted to go to Bible studies, I wanted to journal and pray.. now I feel like I have to force myself. I know it’s not all about emotions… that’s just a big part of who I am. I’m bitter because I’m going to Bolivia, and it’s interfering with some other parts of my life. I want everything to happen now. I need to have patience and let one thing happen at a time. God has made this all work out, so clearly, this is what He wants for me now. I am finally doing something I’ve dreaming of doing since I was a very young girl. Now it’s time for that part of my life to become reality. And I’m bitter? It makes no sense, I should be overjoyed! It’s finally happening!
Part of me is really excited! I get to be there for people, that’s what I feel my place is everywhere I am, I just want people to know I’m there, if they need anything, I’m there. I also get to share the gospel with people who may not ever have heard the true gospel! It is exciting!
I’m just scared of going up in front of the church next Sunday.. of the unknown, of the ‘what ifs.’ And the fact that I won’t see some people that I’m close with, for a year.. that I won’t be home for a year.. I’ll be in a place that I know no one, and far from my family and friends.. it makes me not want to go.
But, I’ll meet many new people and make many new friends! I will spread the good news of Jesus Christ. I will learn to fully trust God in everything, in things that I don’t even realize in this moment. I know I will come home after the year, a very different person. Someone who has a stronger relationship with Christ.
Bolivia is a good thing.
Now to work on destroying that wall.. if you could pray, it’d be greatly appreciated 🙂
God is faithful. He has a plan. His timing is perfect.