“therefore know that the LORD your GOD, He is GOD, the faithful GOD who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love HIM and keep HIS commandments;” deuteronomy 7:9
“i can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me.” philippians 4:13
“because he has set his love upon ME, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known MY name. he shall call upon ME, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. with long life I will satisfy him, And show him MY salvation.” psalms 91:14-16
its time that i’m honest. with you. with myself. with God. for a while now i’ve been feeling like i’m drowning spiritually. i am just not growing spiritually. it feels like i’m in the water, struggling to keep my head above the intensifying waves. i really want to get back to shore, but i am unsure how to get there. i see it. i can remember exactly how it felt to have the steady, solid ground beneath by feet. but i don’t know how to get back. i see a life-donut-floaty-thing, its right beside me. i poke at it, but rarely pick it up and use it. i can hear someone calling my name, but i’m to tired to talk back. i know i will need to do both of that in order to be safe again… i have no motivation, there’s something in the way… i don’t know if it’s myself, or if there’s more to it. sometimes i think i may be doing it to myself, that old me is wanting to show me that she was right, i am a failure. i know i am.. or i was.. but with Christ i’m all HE says i am. i so strongly want to be back on the shore, assured, safe… at peace. it’s all i think about. i so desperately long to be there.
“the LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” exodus 14:14
figure it out, you can do better, get it together, be who you’re supposed to be. that’s what i keep telling myself. but thats when HE came in. HE told me that all of the things that i was believing, not one of them were true. HE lifted my head up, gave me a new crown, i am HIS daughter, HIS princess. i was keeping my head down. i didn’t know where i was going. but HE is showing me the way. leading and guiding me, that i will no longer stray.
“you have not been sprinkled with forgiveness. you have not been splattered with grace. you have not been dusted with kindness. you have been immersed in it. you are a minnow in an ocean of His mercy.” -max lucado
I still have a long way to go. but i know that GOD is here with me. the past while has been a struggle.. but i realize that i haven’t trusted GOD with anything, i don’t go to HIM with anything, i’m not leaning on HIM, or HIS word. i’m completely leaning on myself. if you guys knew how long it’s been since i really truly prayed, or the last time i read my bible because i wanted to.. well.. i’m ashamed. it’s been WAY to long. but that is all about to change. no longer will i do my life based on ‘me’ but it will all be to glorify HIM. that is why i’m here.
“my brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of GOD, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. but let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” james 1:2-6
so just a little update on my life here this past while, i feel GOD working. in me anyway. school has been a very big challenge for me. there have been some days where i cannot control my emotions after such a messy day. it is all quite a bit different and harder than what i had thought coming into this. but in all of the chaos and the mess, i realize how much my people care about me. it’s a bit overwhelming.
“so shall they fear the name of the LORD from the west, and HIS glory from the rising of the sun; when the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the LORD will lift up a standard against him.” isaiah 59:19
when i talk to mom on the phone and realize how much she is trying to help me, how much she is researching ideas, buying things so i can use them for school here.. it’s a bit overwhelming. so often i can’t help but just shed some tears after i talk to her. i can so clearly see how our relationship has grown and formed. no matter how i was living my life, moms love never changed. i knew she cared for me and wanted me to have best life i could have (even if that meant letting me go 10,000 km away and having me call her 14 times a day). i have always known that i could talk to her no matter what. i know that her love is unconditional. the love that flows from her heart, it’s unbelievable.
also when i wake up to about 3 minutes worth of snaps from rissa.. that’s one of my favourite things. i can’t help but smile and be so very thankful for our relationship. she is my best friend. having such a caring, sweet sister as a best friend is almost unfathomable. it almost hurts to much when we Skype, not being there with her, not being able to spend time with her. not being able to take an insane amount of pictures when we adventure.. when i was younger, i always thought having a sister as a best friend is a bit strange, now i realize there is nothing more special than that.
“life with GOD is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties.” c.s lewis
anyway, enough of that lol. i am connecting with a few students from my classes, it’s taking time, but it’s happening:) i’ve been kinda keeping to myself and being very over-emotional with everything that goes in in my life. not depressed exactly, just don’t really have the energy for much. i still go to anne&diedrichs a few times a week usually, and also go to ilianas here and there. other than that i pretty much lock myself up in my room. scared of everyone else. scared of questions, having to make small talk, that’s just to much for me right now. i’m really praying the LORD will give me the love i need for some people here. it’s hard for me to be around the people i don’t feel comfortable with, or just with people i don’t click with, or feel judged by.
You will never know the fullness of CHRIST until you know the emptiness of everything else but CHRIST – charles spurgeon
anyway yeah this is me. i am not someone who has it all together. i am a mess. a failure. a sinner. broken.
HE knows my name, isaiah 43:1.
HE sees my every move, psalms 139:7.
HE thinks about me, psalms 139:17.
HE is with me, joshua 1:9.
HE will fight for me, exodus 14:14.
HE made me in HIS image, genesis 1:27.
HE is my safe place, psalms 62:6-8.
HE has a plan for me, jeremiah 29:11.
HE is good, psalms 119:68.
HE is freedom, 2 corinthians 3:17.
HE is always with me, matthew 28:20
in my deepest wound i saw YOUR glory, and it astounded me. -unknown
• Motivation & energy
• My personal relationship with God
• My students
• Language barrier*
• To truly let Jesus’ love and light shine through me
• To focus on God and make Him number 1 above all else
• For friendships that are forming
• For my family and friends
• That I will have the patience and wisdom to teach what needs to be taught
*My whatsapp number is +591 70280684.
Thank you everyone,
all my love,