Just a heads up. This is seriously just mumble jumble. I don’t have a specific topic in all of this. I just have words. Whatever came to me.

I’ve become quite familiar with it.

Some days,

I’m good.

I like this life.






I can see this as a permanent thing.


Then I get a wave homesickness.

I miss my people.

I miss doing ‘me’ things.


Coffee dates.

My old job.

My students back home.

Movie nights.







These are things I used to define myself.


I don’t have that.

I don’t have ‘me’ things.

Which was hard.

I felt like I lost ‘me’.

I just wanted to go home.

I just wanted to find myself.

I wanted to find myself in those people and those things.

Not in God.

I used those things to keep a distance between God and I.

Since getting here,

I don’t have any of that.

I can’t distance myself from God.

Well, no.

I shouldn’t say that.

I can.

I did.

I am.

But it’s a bit more difficult.

Because I don’t have those things to pre-occupy my mind with.

I can’t get up and leave whenever I want.

I feel stuck.

I feel alone.

But, my feelings are not reliable.

They change.

They alter.

But my FATHER is reliable.

He is alive.

He is the same.




For all eternity.

I forgot that sometimes.

I was lonely.

Lonely for my people.

Lonely for my home.

I was homesick.

I felt like I just had me.


I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I tried to hide.

From people.

I didn’t want to ‘people’.

I tried to hide.

From God.

I was ignoring Him.

He called me here to me a light.

And I was hiding,

Not only my light,

But also my whole vessel,

My whole being.

Under a bush.

I was trying to dim the light.

The light HE gave me.

I was afraid.

I didn’t want people to see.


I was too flawed.

I was too broken.

I didn’t know anything anymore.

I had no idea what the purpose of my life was.

If you knew me before I moved,

You’d know how I loved to plan.

I had to plan EVERYTHING.

I HAD to have a plan.

I couldn’t just stay at home.

I needed something.

Now here..

I have no vehicle.

No coffee shops.

No family.

No old friends.

No gatherings.

No spending my money however I want.

I couldn’t plan.


Not even who I was.

I felt like I lost everything.

I didn’t have anyone.

Not even myself.

This person I thought I was,

I had to be remade.

I had to find ‘me’ in God.


I started searching.

I found a person who is,

Mercilessly flawed.

Broken head to toe.

A mess inside and out.

A sinner.


I also found that HE gave me,





I found the me who HE created me to be.

I put my faith in HIM.

Not in me.

Whoever I am.

I don’t need to know who I am other than,

I am a child of God.

HE is the only one I need to look to.