so.. people have been asking me to write more ‘personal’ stuff.

more about what God is doing.

i haven’t shared a lot of personal stuff because; one, i want to protect the people i interact with and let them have their privacy. two, because i haven’t really felt God teaching me anything really. i have been feeling distant from Him. i honestly don’t know what to write. i don’t like it, but i don’t want to pretend and be fake either. there are days i struggle so bad, and i feel ashamed to write anything. i feel like i need to be perfect. like the only way to have an impact on people is to hide my vulnerabilities. i know this is not true. especially since being home, i am reminded of how our insecurities, things that scare us, us being vulnerable is one of the biggest ways we can impact others and help them.

so i will try my best to be more vulnerable with you. to show you more of who i am and what God is doing in me and in bolivia.

in coming home, i realized who the people are who truly support me. i have gotten some comments which got me really discouraged and hurt. i had felt like giving up.

i am trying my best. i am doing all i can. i am putting myself out there. i have to put my trust in Jesus. i couldn’t do anything if it wasn’t for him.

but satan is attacking me. there are days where i feel completely hopeless. where it feels like everything i do is pointless. like the people i come into contact with, their lives are worse because of me. in my heart, i know that these things aren’t true, but i can’t help but be overcome with those thoughts some days.

i could write many long shpeels about how sad some things are in bolivia. there are some truly heartbreaking testimonies. abuse. loss. people in bondage. children whose parents simply don’t want them and leaving them with complete strangers. heartbreak. people who think they are unworthy. and so much more.

but i could also write about all the sad things here in la crete. judgement. hypocrisy. cliques. people in bondage. loss. heartbreak. unworthiness. church problems. and a whole lot more.

i don’t want to write my blog so you guys have a sad story to read. these are true things. real people. these things are REAL. these people are REAL. yes prayer is needed. so needed. but i don’t want to make it seem like this world i live in, isn’t the same world you live in. there are problems here. things are rough.

some days i just cry because of things that had happened that day or that week. i go into the bathroom at school and break down sometimes because i love my students so much. i can’t hold it together some days. my emotions are everywhere. i feel like my heart is being ripped apart into thousands of pieces.

but i know that i can get through these feelings. they fade. they pass.

i am learning things.

God is showing me so much.

so much.

but not things i can really pinpoint.

it’s just a slow process.

through these hard times.

and through times of joy.

God is at work.

 

Joanna.

 

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