ok this post is going to be a bit different .
i started writing.
letting out how i feel.
not actually knowing what i’m thinking until my fingers start typing.
but then i organized them into lists..
& write a shpeel about what i learned whiles making the lists..
because i’m ocd and that’s just what i do.
so any who, here we go.
things i miss
-a white bed.
-sleeping in a bed where the sheets & nice & white & smell amazing.
-not finding bugs & lizard poop everywhere.. including in bed.
-not having frogs living in my sink and showers.
-going shopping with friends.
-driving around in the city.
-going for coffee
-my true friends.
-being able to cook and bake.
-living in a clean house.
-fall & the coziness it brings
-not feeling pressure.
-me dates at coffee shops.
-living with family.
-not worrying about money.
-the true sense being ‘at home’.
-not crying because of how much i miss my family.
-not feeling like a failure as a missionary.
things i love
-being able to be me, and being able to love myself.
-growing closer to GOD
-living by myself.
-nice weather year round.
-being out on my own.
-experiencing new things.
-having my amazing boyfriend here, supporting me.
-JESUS’ love so evident.
-learning new languages & culture.
so… my miss list is a lot longer.. but my love list is a long stronger.
lately, i’ve been struggling with jealousy and trying not to become bitter. i am happy for people. i am glad that they are moving on with their lives. that they can enjoy themselves. that they can live that fancy life that i sometimes wish i could go back to. not that i really want too.. but sometimes wishing i could turn back time and not have gone through what i have, & learned and experienced and the things that have taught me what i know now.. so i could fully love and enjoy those kinds of things again.
i just miss being the person i was. i felt like i was a lot more fun then. things were easier. but yet, i know they weren’t. i wasn’t truly happy. or loved myself at all. or knew the things i have learned. like how joy & happiness don’t come from those things. but i just… i feel like a toddler having a hissy fit.
i love living here. i love my students. i love teaching them about JESUS. i even love sharing devotions on wednesday mornings. (i never in a million years thought i would ever say that.) sometimes, the person i used to be, and the person i become meet and they don’t recognize each other and i get all confused. because i thought the ‘old’ me was pretty cool.. then the ‘now’ me is jealous and then this happens.
i have been growing spiritually. which is amazing. martin and i have been reading the Bible together and discussing things which helps me so much. GOD is showing me many things that i didn’t see or comprehend before. being a missionary, things are hard sometimes, sometimes you get caught up in trying to fill other peoples cups, and you don’t even realize that you’re not pouring anything because your cup is empty. i have realized that i need to consistently be in GODs word and seek HIS will in all things that i do.
anyway, i feel like now all those feelings inside me have been released. so.. enjoy reading my messed up mind. haha.
lots of love,