sometimes i’m scared.

scared of losing my passion,

compassion.

people know me for having a big heart,

being sensitive,

being compassionate.

it’s something i used to hate about myself.

i thought it made me weak.

but after a while,

GOD showed me how it can be used for HIS glory.

and i started to like that about myself.

i embraced it as a gift GOD has given me.

but lately…

i feel like i’m losing it.

when i hear of my sisters (or anyone) that are struggling at home,

my heart still breaks into a million pieces.

i long to be there for them.

to just love on them.

to try to comfort them.

but,

since i can’t do that,

as i feel my heart breaking,

i think,

“ok joanna, that’s enough.”

and i try to get my mind to focus on something else.

i don’t like that i have to do that.

that i have to harden my heart in a way.

i know that i am here.

i can use the gifts GOD has given me here.

but why is it so much harder?

i feel so disconnected from the people.

i long to be there for them.

it usually takes me a while to get myself to open up to anyone.

and now, as i have gotten to know my students better,

i am beginning to develop a true love for them,

i am pushing myself away because i know i have to leave soon.

and i don’t want to leave people that i love again.

 

the past few days have been better.

i find myself tearing up while watching a movie,

even some silly cartoon show,

or even videos on Facebook.

this hadn’t happened in quite some time.

i feel like i’m getting back to me.

my heart is turning back into that apple crisp heart

the heart that i got from dad.

speaking of dad…

this is something that i’ve been thinking for quite some time…

it’s hard for me to even think or write about.

i’ve been thinking of how disrespectful i’ve been to my father.

the hurtful & rude comments.

things that i know hurt my dad so deeply.

things i said out of pure anger.

my dad…

he has a legit apple crisp heart.

(for those of you that don’t get my apple crisp reference, once my family and i were talking about our hearts or something, and we figured out that my dad and i have apple crisp like hearts, all warm and gooey and it just kind of crumbles and falls apart very easily. where some others in out family have ice cream hearts, it takes a little while for it to melt.)

(yes my head works in metaphors)

so anyway,

dad.

he has done SO much for our family.

he has had to make so many hard decisions that completely altered our family.

he has pointed us to the LORD.

he has, with all he has, tried to put us on the right path.

he works so very very hard to support us.

he tries to give us everything we could ever want. (within reason of course.)

he longs to see us happy.

he wants us healthy.

he longs to see us follow our LORD.

and for this, i am so very thankful.

i remember one night,

shortly after coming back from Bible School,

i said some things to my dad that i will never forgive myself for.

i was so disrespectful.

and just thinking of all the things he has done for me…

the so so so many things that i am so grateful for.

he works harder than anyone else.

and his heart..

man…

if you guys could fully see his heart.

many people just think my dad is the funniest,

sillliest guy out there.

and he is.

but under that,

when we come home..

guys..

i can’t even describe the love,

the care,

that radiates through his eyes.

so many times,

after i had done something i knew i shouldn’t,

i was feeling a little bit cold and defensive,

but i still go into the living room,

and dad is in there talking to mom or whoever,

and i can hear his words just so full of love..

or when i did something that i know needed a lecture,

seeing that love in dads eyes and hearing it in his voice,

guys.

that’s what got me.

and because of how understanding,

and how loving dad was,

i just felt so much guiltier.

i felt like i deserved to be yelled at,

but here’s dad..

and he’s just…

i can see how much he loves me,

and how much he cares for his children.

i just can’t even explain it.

so now,

when my sisters are going through anything,

and they blow up at dad,

or get all defensive and cold,

i can see why.

i can finally now,

understand why i did that.

but now,

i am just like that.

i just want to be there.

i want to love them.

i want them to see the life GOD has for them.

i want them to love their life.

i want them to love themselves like i love them.

like dad loves me.

like GOD loves HIS children.

 

*yeah my adhd brain hasn’t gotten much better, i’m still everywhere haha.

 

all my love,

joanna ❤

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