God,

i’ve been struggling.

YOU know this.

it’s hard for me to comprehend that YOU,

O LORD,

see me.

you hear me.

you know.

everything.

you know the deepest parts of me.

you know the turmoil inside of me.

you know the reason behind it,

even though i do not.

i haven’t been seeing clearly.

i’ve been blinded.

i’m scared.

fear of man.

fear of failing.

fear of this world.

fear of being vulnerable.

fear of being hurt.

but i’m beginning to see O LORD,

that these fears,

they are fears from the enemy.

yes,

there have been things in my past,

that have caused these fears,

at one time or another,

but every single one of them has drawn me closer to YOU.

i’m not sure why i’m so scared.

it’s not like i have been hurt in a huge way.

i don’t know why i’m scared of being vulnerable.

i have built walls against my heart.

the thing is..

i have built them so high,

i don’t even see the reason why i built them.

i always thought of myself as a very open,

free person,

sharing myself with anybody & everybody.

so why?

maybe I’m scared of feeling something again?

GOD i don’t understand.

does it have to do with a previous relationship?

romantic or otherwise?

with being deceived?

does it have to do with putting in my all,

& feeling like it went to waste?

does it have to do with having to leave my family,

my friends,

my whole life,

behind when i went to bolivia?

is it because of the times i reach out to people,

people who my heart hurts for,

and they reject my love, help & compassion,

and in turn,

feeling like they are rejecting me?

have i just disconnected myself from people,

because of these reasons?

i don’t know.

i can’t seem to open up to anyone.

no one.

i want to.

my desire is to have strong healthy relationships.

then why am i not letting myself?

i know i need to be open,

i need to be vulnerable.

GOD,

i have even put up a wall toward you LORD.

i’m sorry.

LORD,

YOU know every messy & broken,

part of me.

help me to let go of my fears.

help me to trust.

GOD,

teach me how to be vulnerable again.

teach me to love again.

give me your wisdom LORD.

give me your peace.

give me YOU.

amen.

 

your daughter,

joanna

 

‘now faith is assurance of things hoped for, a conviction of things not seen.’ hebrews 11:1

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